Breaking Bones

I made a legacy for myself long, long ago. I started falling in grade 5. It would have been easy if it was love, but it was me physically falling. I shall teach you a few steps to ensure you give your bones a break. Let’s jump right into it. I shall pass on the jumping because I might break a limb for real.

Step 1: Buy a new cycle which you can’t ride properly. It would be preferable if the bicycle is big or you are too small. Take your new bike, go to a nearby park and race with your sibling. In case you don’t have a sibling, pick a stranger and make new friends. Later, when your sibling/friend breaks a rule, get angry and lose your balance. It is necessary to have a dramatic fall with the handlebar landing on your wrist. Congratulations! You’ve successfully had your first fracture. One benefit would be that you get to bunk one of your 5th-grade exams.

Step 2: This step will be easy if you’re having your 6th-grade summer vacation now. You haven’t learnt your lesson with cycles yet. So, park your bike in front of your house or any house that has a long flight of stairs. Ask your sibling to leave the house with his friend. Get paranoid that they are going to take your cycle and run frantically down the stairs. You make it safe but should miss your footing on the last step. This ensures there are no bruises or scratches and leaves you with a safe leg fracture. Let me warn you- there are pros and cons to this step. One good thing is I got to go in the groom’s car during my uncle’s wedding whilst others had to walk all the way. The bad thing was I couldn’t dance and get 100 rupees during that wedding.

Step 3: Ask your school to arrange a group dance competition in grade 8 and volunteer for it. Practice regularly and for extra practice, meet up with your friends at one house. Try to make your team’s performance extravagant by including a simple stunt. Somehow forget to tell your friends that you are inflexible and weak. Try that stunt with them while they help you out. Your body will take care of the rest, and you shall end up with a mild fracture. Don’t ask me how, but it works. The positive thing from this step is that you will recover from this one real quick. You need not worry except for that dance competition you are going to miss.

Step 4: Listen to your PT teacher in grade 11 and play the game he/she suggested for the first time. It should be a team sport which involves pushing like basketball. Make sure your best friend is on the opposite team. Give him/her instructions beforehand to shove you and take the ball from you when you receive it. Choose someone you trust, so they don’t disappoint you. Now, all you have to do is get the ball and wait for the push to stage your big fall. It won’t be that big but try to do your part by falling in an awkward position. There is nothing good that comes out of this step if you have your mathematics exam approaching and you are a weirdo who likes acing that exam. Otherwise, you are good to go.

Step 5: This is the last and easiest step of all. The longer you go without having any falls, the easier it gets to break your bones. During 2nd year of college, go for driving lessons during vacation and use all your power in stepping on the brakes. Continue with your daily routine after college starts like dancing, taking long walks etc. One day, take a look at your leg and notice one is swollen. Then, wait for the pain to increase and consult a doctor only to know there is nothing wrong with it. You will grow fond of a new dance style called tutting since you can’t move your legs much during dance practice. The bad part is you will have to wear a wraparound bandage for a few weeks.

I’ve fallen many times but never as bad as the Indian economy right now. These steps may be tempting but stay home and stay safe. Follow social distancing if you go out.

Note: Don’t show this to the police or your parents if you decide to follow any of these steps.